This Little Light
ALSO BY LORI LANSENS
Rush Home Road
The Girls
The Wife’s Tale
The Mountain Story
PUBLISHED BY RANDOM HOUSE CANADA
Copyright © 2019 LLMT, Inc.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Published in 2019 by Random House Canada, a division of Penguin Random House Canada Limited, Toronto. Distributed in Canada by Penguin Random House Canada Limited, Toronto.
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Random House Canada and colophon are registered trademarks.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Lansens, Lori, author
This little light / Lori Lansens.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 9780735276420
eBook ISBN 9780735276437
I. Title.
PS8573.A5866T55 2019 C813’.6 C2018-905691-6
C2018-905692-4
Book design by Kelly HIll
Cover images: (woman) © CoffeeAndMilk, (flame) © Sean Gladwell, both Getty Images
v5.3.2
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For Allegra
Contents
Cover
Also by Lori Lansens
Title
Copyright
Dedication
This Little Light
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
This Little Light
THIS LITTLE LIGHT
BLOGLOG: Rory Anne Miller
11/27/2024—9:51 PM
We’re trending. Rory Miller. Feliza Lopez. In this moment, on this night, we’re the most famous girls in America.
Those pics you’ve seen in your feeds and on TV over the past few hours? Two fresh-faced teens in bridal couture on the arms of their daddies at tonight’s American Virtue Ball? That’s me and Fee, my best friend. The grainy footage from the school surveillance cameras of two figures in white gowns climbing up into the smoky hills after the bomb exploded at Sacred Heart High? Also us. It’s true that guilty people run. Scared people run too. They’re calling us the Villains in Versace.
What they’re saying about us? First—who wears Versace to a purity ball? I wore Mishka. Fee wore Prada. The details matter. The truth—which is not somewhere in the middle as guilty people like to say—is vital. Like oxygen. The truth is that Fee and I did not try to blow up the chastity ball at Sacred Heart High tonight. We had nothing to do with that thing they found in my car, either. And we have no involvement whatsoever with the Red Market. We’re not the spawn of Satan you’re loading your Walmart rifles to hunt.
If I’m being honest? Totally honest? I’ve spent a stupid amount of time daydreaming about being famous, and how amazing it’d be to have millions of followers. That’s normal, right? A shallow distraction from reality? I live in California, after all, where fame pollutes the atmosphere then penetrates your skin with the UV rays. But this isn’t fame. It’s infamy. And I feel like I do in my recurring naked-at-school nightmare—gross and exposed.
Careful what you wish for? Fee and I don’t have followers so much as we have trolls and trackers. We’re being flayed in the media. Convicted by social. And now we’re freaking fugitives, hiding out in this scrap metal shed behind a little cabin in the mountains overlooking Malibu.
I’m so thankful for this old pink laptop—courtesy of Javier, who’s letting us hide in his shed, which I’ll explain later. I’ve caught up on the fake news and read all the hate tweets. Bombers? Religious terrorists? Red Market runners, trafficking stolen babies? It feels like a joke, but it’s not. And to make it even more real, the rock evangelist Reverend Jagger Jonze just put up a million-dollar reward for our capture. There’s a freaking bounty on our heads. So here we sit in this shed. No way to defend ourselves. Nowhere to run.
My throat hurts from swallowing screams. And the worst thing—I mean, worst is relative under these circumstances—but Fee is really sick. She’s curled up beside me under a tattered blanket, not really awake but groaning. Whatever’s wrong with her, it started at the ball, and once we got here, she basically collapsed. Her forehead’s hot. She’s pale. Something she ate? She barely ate today. Flu? I don’t know.
In order to remain calm-ish, I’m going to write our side of the story. I’m afraid we’ll be tracked to the shed if I post entries in real time, so I won’t submit until I know we’re safe. This old laptop has had a long-life battery upgrade, thank God. I could write all night. Maybe I will. Wouldn’t be the first time. Won’t be the last. Writing? It’s the only way I’ve ever been able to make sense of my life.
* * *
—
Just this afternoon, Fee and I were with our other best friends—Brooklyn Leon, Zara Rohanian and Delaney Sharpe, all of us students at Sacred Heart High School—getting ready for the ball at Jinny Hutsall’s house. Hutsalls are beyond rich, so they hired a StyleMeNow crew to come over and do our hair, paint our nails, curl our lashes and plump our lips, which I did not hate. We sipped the champagne Jinny’d cadged from the fridge—a very unJinny move, now I think about it—and snapped a hundred pics of our virgin-bride splendor, while our tuxedoed daddies tossed back Manhattans on Warren Hutsall’s lanai. The others got giggly, but slipping into my gorgeous Mishka, I felt nothing but dread.
It wasn’t about the virginity pledge we were about to take. My friends and I weren’t serious about that. Not really, or not all of us. The Virtue Ball was a swag grab, a couture gown, a brush with celebrity, a photo op. Or at least that’s what we said. For me? As an atheist who definitely won’t be saving it until marriage, it was also an opportunity to do some reporting for my blog. That’s what I told myself, over and above the dread, which I’ll explain later.
Driving there tonight, I still hadn’t decided if I’d dig into the hellaciousness of vowing chastity to our fathers or if I’d go with a softer piece acknowledging the father/daughter bonding but include some solid stats to show that teaching abstinence doesn’t work. I hadn’t decided which angle would get me more likes. That’s the truth. I hadn’t quite got to the point where I actually was considering exposing the whole corrupt deal. Too scared, maybe?
Well, I know which way I’ll go now. Though I couldn’t have imagined I’d be writing about how Fee and I became outlaws hiding in a seven-by-eight-foot shed, crowded by a greasy lawn mower, a couple of leaf blowers, a tangle of fishing rods, three old suitcases and some fat white trash bags leaking lawn clippings.
When I look up, I can see the full moon and stars blinking through gaps in the aluminum roof, and the distant lights from passing planes. There are no doubt already bounty hunters out there looking for us in their MiniCops and GarBirds—those homemade flying jobbies people get shipped from China to build in their garages even though they’re totally illegal. They’re crowdsourcing our capture. It’s all over the news.
There’s a window at the front of the shed that looks out over the rocky cliffs, and from there I can see the neighbor’s trailer a hundred or so yards away—an ancient silver Airstream, the front tow-hitch propped of
f-kilter on three big cinder blocks, a big blue tarp that was strung up to make an awning over the porch billowing in the breeze. Light from a television was flickering in the front window when I looked out before. No vehicle in the driveway, though.
I’ve seen a couple of drones whir by. Definitely looking for us. The new cam-drones are so quiet and acrobatic you don’t see them until they’re on you taking surveillance. I noticed an UberCopter pass a few minutes ago. Saw the police helicopters flying back in the direction of Sacred Heart High, where the bomb exploded. With the bounty, and the media firestorm, there will be a lot more of them tomorrow in the daylight. Unless the Santa Anas start blowing. The news is saying we should expect strong winds later tonight, and off and on tomorrow. Crossing freaking fingers. The winds will keep the air traffic down.
The cable stations are covering us round the clock like we’re a weather event—a hurricane or severe snowstorm or a California wildfire so big and bad they gotta give it a name. Fox News is calling our story “The Hunt”—so ugly rhyming memes. My head’s spinning. It’s been torture to go online. But worse not to know. People say you shouldn’t read the comments section. People are right. I seriously want to respond to each one. Like, I want to tell Twitter user @H8UevlGASHES—who suggested the insertion of a broken bottle into our life-giving lady parts—that he does not understand irony. And I want to tell that congresswoman from Texas who just tweeted that Fee and I should have our “eyes sewn open and be forced to watch a late-term abortion” that she should definitely kill the person who does her hair. The guy who started #rape’em1st? He just makes me wanna cry. And? The president tweeted out a White House dinner invitation to Jinny Hutsall and Reverend Jagger Jonze. It would be funny if it weren’t too true.
Our “friend” Jinny is trending too. They’re saying that what happened at the Virtue Ball tonight has ignited an “American Holy War.” Jinny fucking Hutsall. Until that blond-hair, yoga-arm, apple-ass thigh-gap-in-a-tartan-skirt moved in next door a few months ago and joined our class at Sacred Heart High, we were just us. The Hive. Friends since we were toddlers. Now, two of us are the New Targets of Holy War. And the host of tonight’s ball, Reverend Jagger Jonze—the one that put up the million-dollar bounty after everything went down in the parking lot at the AVB? He’s rocketed to superstardom. Just like that. Jagger Jonze is the devil. But more on that later.
First—the bomb. We didn’t set the bomb. And if someone wanted to bomb the ball, why did they blow up the bathroom clear on the other side of the school’s fifteen-acre campus? Nothing makes sense. It’s all just crazy. We’ve been accused of being “runners” doing dastardly deeds for the Red Market. My mother’s always said there’s no such thing as the Red Market. She says it’s a construct—evil alt-right propaganda. I don’t know what to believe. I mean, people have been talking about the Pink Market since long before abortion was banned again. Everyone knows there’s a Pink Market out there helping minors access birth control, and morning-after pills, and getting them to underground clinics and all.
But the Red Market? Supposedly it’s a baby-stealing mafia that supplies product to illegal stem cell research labs. Even the media say “alleged” or “rumored” when they talk about it. Law enforcement officers and politicians are rumored to be involved in the Red Market too. Even if my mother’s wrong, and people are actually that depraved, Fee and I are not, and never have been, and never would be, involved in such foul shit.
I’m scared. No, terrified.
When my father left us, I was scared. I thought my mother’d die of heartbreak and I’d be left alone. When the wildfires got close again last year, and we had to evacuate, I was scared for the neighborhood pets, and Mrs. Shea at the end of our street because she’s deaf and takes too many pills. I remember being lost in the grocery part of Target when I was little, staring at the chevrons on a stranger’s herringbone pants. So scared.
But this? This fear has fangs. I’ve never felt so awake.
Why are we targets?
Not for nothing—I’m Jewish. Spawn of two Canadian Jews twice removed through birthright and marriage outside the faith, which is why Jewish, not Jewish. My parents, Sherman and Shelley Miller, immigrated to southern California, legally, from Toronto, the year after they finished law school. My best friend and costar in this horror show, Feliza, is the daughter of immigrants too. Her mother’s Guatemalan. Her father’s from Mexico. Fee was born in Tijuana the day before their illegal border crossing. They used to call people like her Dreamers. Now they’re Probationary Citizens. Procits for short.
We live in Calabasas, California, which is famous because Kardashians. For anyone who doesn’t keep up with the Kardashians and might be reading this outside our bubble, you have to know that my town isn’t a town the way people think of towns. Calabasas is spread out over fifteen square miles of coastal paradise: gated communities of big-ass mansions tucked into the nooks and crannies of the northwestern part of the Santa Monica Mountains, linked by scenic roads to tour-class golf courses and high-end strip malls and gold-label private schools. The sheriff’s blotter in the local paper reports on crimes like: “a pair of sunglasses valued at $1,800 were stolen from an open convertible Maserati in the six thousand block of Las Virgenes Road.” There’s no smoking in Calabasas. No Styrofoam. No plastic bags. No straws. No fast food. No trash on the streets. No homeless. No ugly, basically. The rocky outcroppings, and the blurry ocean horizon and the chaparral-covered hills, make a stunning backdrop for the photos we post. We post a lot.
From the outside we must look like assholes. Maybe from the inside too. We have too much. We are too much. The student parking lots at all the schools are filled with the Beemers and Bentleys and Mercedes and Teslas driven by the progeny of all the entertainers and athletes who moved here for the clean air and good schools—second-generation superkids—super-good-looking, super-talented, super-rich. The Kardashians reign over us as we #Bless the crap out of our Maui vacays and shiny new cars like they all came straight from the Maker.
But wait. How can we be blessed? The way I understand the Bible from my Sacred Heart education, Christians are supposed to get their rewards in heaven. Like the Muslim martyrs with their virgins. And the Crusaders from history. Could it be that all the #Blessers might be setting themselves up for a hard drop at the Pearly Gates? Using up all their blessings on earth and leaving no bank whatsoever for the hereafter?
Afterlife? I can barely make it through presentlife.
The Internet’s losing its shit with all the Kardashian references, and blaming Kendal and Kylie Jenner for the crimes we did not actually commit! They’re speculating that Fee and I could have become involved in the rumored Red Market, because we needed money for our retail habits—our Balmain this and our Blahnik that—in order to keep up with the Kardashians. Not a crazy theory, I guess. They’re comparing us to the kids from Indian Hills High who broke into celebrity houses and stole clothes and jewelry from Paris Hilton a thousand years ago. The Kardashians have offered “no comment” yet, although Scott Disick did drunk-tweet “The Mexican chic is sizzlin’.”
Here’s what I think. I know it sounds crazy. But I’m sitting here trying to put the pieces together and I think this whole thing must be a setup. By Jinny Hutsall, our resident Christian zealot Crusader. And her father’s friend, Reverend Jagger Jonze.
Jinny Hutsall already loathed me for being Jew-y, and for being a heathen. Then I became a Category Five threat to that psycho Jesus freak. I know her secret, and I’m pretty sure she knows I know, which makes me think that she and Jagger Jonze planted the bomb at the ball tonight. And they have something to do with that thing that was found in my car in the Sacred Heart parking lot too. It has to be that. What else could it be? And Fee? She’s collateral damage, which slaughters me, because Fee doesn’t deserve any of this. I’m the atheist blogger with opinions. I’m the one who just couldn’t mind my own fucking business. Maybe this is my karma. Not that I believe in karma, but you still find yourself s
aying shit like that, don’t you? Like the way we heathens say “thank God.”
I’ve been staring at the pics of us all over the Net, of me and Fee and our best friends and families—pics I’ve never even seen before. This loop plays over in my head: Wait. What? Wait. What? Our friends? Bee? Zee? Dee? Our best friends in the world? They’ve turned on us. They’ve sided with Jinny Hutsall and joined the throngs of accusers calling for our capture. They’re tweeting at us to turn ourselves in! How could they do that? How could our best friends think Fee and I would plant a bomb, let alone participate in that other atrocious shit? I love those girls. Brooky, Zara, Delaney and Fee have been everything—my life, my family—especially since my dad…I believed in them. A few hours ago I would’ve said I trusted them with my life. It’s just such a betrayal.
We girls are more than neighbors. We’re sisters. We’ve lived on Oakwood Circle in Hidden Oaks of Calabasas since we were buzzing little Beelievers—in matching yellow-and-black-striped T-shirts—at Sacred Heart Nursery School, where we got our nickname, the Hive. Someone’s made a meme of us as an old-time-y United Colors of Benetton ad, which is not inaccurate. Brooklyn Leon, the beautiful, athletic black girl; Delaney Sharpe, the red-headed English rose; Feliza Lopez, the sexy Latina; Zara Rohanian, the smoky-eyed Armenian; and me, not exactly a category you could name. Real people who are not my parents sometimes say that I am striking. I take after my father’s side north of the neck—brown eyes, freckled face, dark, naturally fro-ish hair. South of the rib cage I’m mesomorph-y, the only physical trait I share with my blond, green-eyed mother.
All we know we girls have learned together behind the doors of our Mediterranean-style mansions, beside our blue infinity pools, under rows of date palms, in the heat of the big, boiling sun. We’re double-gaters. That means after you pass the first security booth with armed guards named Marcus and Dax, you have to go through another set of gates to get to our cul-de-sac. The Kardashians are Hidden Oaks triple-gaters. The whole clan lives at the top of the hill now, in this massive compound because safety. We see the paparazzi swarming one of their vehicles most days. We care about them like they’re our actual family, and have been KUWTK since, like, third grade, or at least we did, until Jinny Hutsall moved to Oakwood Circle. She called them Kar-douche-ians. We let her.